So, I downloaded the Resident Evil 5 demo on my XBox 360 today and tried it out. The latest installment furthers the very complicated and sordid RE story line. This version sports a much heralded co-op play for online and offline modes, new enemies and in single player, a tag-along hottie that gives you bullets and gets into trouble.

Resident Evil 5 looks pretty. And that's the last positive thing I can say about the demo.

Let me give this disclaimer before I rip apart this game. I think 1st person shooters on consoles are a mistake. The play control is always clumsy, it's painful to look at your surroundings and usually the game has to cheat by providing auto aim at bad guys for you. I realize there are some people that claim console shooters are as good or better than shooters on a PC, and if you're one of those people you're wrong... and probably republican.

So, the game starts, no intro, no background, no welcome; just blam, you're some soldier guy in Africa. Fine, its a demo. There's a woman with you, who very smartly scampers out of the way when you aim your gun at her. She's smart AND good looking, so you let her tag along as you stumble diagonally down a winding path. Moving the character feels like I'm operating a rusted steam shovel. The play control for Atari's Battlezone felt more natural.

"Press X," the on screen text tells me, "to jump down." I can hear the murmur and moaning of the zombie-esque creatures that I know this game showcases, so I'm a bit reluctant to leave my high ground safe area, but since they are giving me a tutorial of the controls, this should be a breeze. I jump into an alley way and enter a building; wham, cut scene.

The cut scene goes on forever and it would seem I'm supposed to know who these characters are, but I don't so I don't care. The the game then tells me how to shoot. Then nothing... I'm in some claustrophobic little shack, turning slowly as I look around and bumping in to everything like a drunken geriatric. My sidekick starts shooting out the window, but by the time I get there and angle my camera, there's nothing.

Then I hear a window break and suddenly there's a zombie-like guy holding a club standing in the middle of the room. I draw my pistol and fire four shots around the monster who is standing not 3 feet away from me. Where was the auto-aim? Positioning the cross-hair was like playing the claw machine at local Denny's. The creature approached with the speed of a frozen salamander, so given my skill at shooting, I decided to run. But I was glued to the floor. Was my character frozen with fear? My partner shot the creature and killed it, but what was wrong with me? I release the left trigger and was able to move again. Apparently, you can't move when shooting. My character must have missed that day in military training. This was actually a relief for me though as movement was actually a detriment in this game.

I positioned myself in a little stall an awaited what would come next since I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. Then they came, approaching with the speed of really lazy people at a community project. I fired the remaining bullets then resorted to my knife, which was better since I didn't have to aim with it. Soon the stall I was in filled up with creatures and I noticed among them was a giant, hooded guy with an axe. So, I scraped my knife against his arm for about 30 seconds while he and the other monsters stood there, milling about like it was the lamest zombie christmas party ever. Then my screen started to convulse epilepticly and little symbols flashed at me telling me to do something, anything apparently. That's when the cut scene of my partner falling to the ground played and the game ended.

And that's when I deleted the game. I know I didn't really give the game a chance, it doesn't deserve it. I know the play control of the other Resident Evils is likewise bad, I don't play them either. I know they based the play controls for RE5 off Gears of War, but they failed. I give this demo a score of .5 out of the number of zombies I probably manage to kill by flailing around my knife like a cocaine addled madman. I won't subject myself to the game when it comes out, and with that decision, I will sleep easier tonight.

The End