When I was a younger man, I got a call from some survey group investigating candy eating habits in my area. He told me it would take less than 10 minutes and he would send me free samples of some of the candy that he questioned me about. Being all about candy, I sat and answered his asinine questions about my eating habits when it came to candy. At the time, I was all about these disgusting imported candies called Zots. Zots started out by being much like a Tootsie-Pop? or other sucker. They were very tasty and came in artificial cherry or grape......but when you got to the middle there was a horrid white powder that would react with your saliva making it foam up in soury badness. I _LOVED_ them. I actually imported so many of them that I started a profitable little business during my 8th grade lunch hour. But I digress. So naturally, Zots was the answer to most of his questions. The survey went on for almost 1/2 hour and I sat and just answered Zots to everything. I had invested so much time into my free candy, I couldn't hang up......We finally finished but I am still waiting for my free samples. Trust me, I am still waiting.
So, naturally I have come to distrust these vile telemarketing types. Before the glorious do not call list was implemented, I would have a lot of fun fending these people off to the best of my abilities. I want to provide you with a few of my favorite transcripts, though embellished by my faulty memory(and the fact that I think that I am much cooler than I actually am). The specifics might be wrong, but the overall conversations are accurate.

Long Distance Service:
TM: Hello, is this the Sanchez residence?
Me: Yes
TM: Can I interest you in....
Me: No
TM: Trust me sir, you want to hear this offer.
Me: By all means....
TM: What if I told you that you can call anywhere in the US for x cents a minute?
Me: I am happy with my plan.
TM: But it surely isn't as good as this plan. Say for instance you have family in Texas. You could talk to them any time for only x cents a minute.
Me: I don't have family in Texas
TM: That is just an example, sir.
Me: My family lives in Austin.
TM: That is part of Texas, right?
Me: No. They don't live in Texas.
TM: So they live outside of your city right?
Me: Yes.
TM: So you can call them for x cents a minute.
Me: BUT I DON'T HAVE FAMILY IN TEXAS.
TM: Sir. That was just an example. Forget about Texas.
Me: But my wife has family in Texas. Can I still call them?
TM: Yes. You can call Texas for x cents a minute.
Me: Why would I want to call Texas?
TM: You just said that you have family in Texas.
Me: No! I don't have family in Texas! Why do you keeping bringing Texas up?
...
...
...

I actually was able to carry this on for quite awhile longer. I was just re-claming some of that time I lost to that candy survey guy. Don't think that I didn't know for a second that I was totally wasting my time as well...It was just the fact that I was the giver and not the receiver. This provides 100% total entertainment value in my spiteful and defective brain.

Mail Pickup Service:
Haf: What the hell? This guy just called me here and asked if I was happy with my mail service. How would he ever get my number here at work?
Me: What line is he on?
Haf: 101
Me: Hello, how can I help you?
TM: I am wondering if you are happy with the way that your mail is handled.
Me: Yes, we have a nice system in place where all mails are sorted and delivered appropriately.
TM: But we can provide you with better service.
Me: We are not interested in purchasing additional software.
TM: Sir, there is no software involved.
Me: Then you have just revolutionized the way that the Internet works.
TM: But mail isn't delivered over the Internet.
Me: That is news to me. Last time I checked email didn't work without the Internet.
TM: But sir, don't you get mail?
Me: Yes I get mail! I just told you that we have software that delivers it to us!
TM: But you don't get mail through your front door?
Me: We get mail through the telecommunications line that runs into the back of our building. It does not come through the front door.
TM: But his is the other mail
Me: What other mail? SPAM? We don't want more SPAM.
TM: NO. Like bills and letters.
Me: We don't want any more bills either.
TM: We won't send you more bills. We are providing a service.
Me: It is for free then?
TM: No. We would be paid.
Me: That is another bill then, huh?
TM: Sir, we are just providing a service. Are you interested in hearing more about it?
Me: I told you that we are happy with our software.
TM: THIS ISN'T SOFTWARE. It is a service!
Me: Why are you contacting me then? I am the head of the e-mail department here. Why are you asking me about mail if you are not talking about email?
TM: (Silence)
Me: Take us off of your list, immediately.
TM: Ok.

Why he was asking about our mail is beyond me. Isn't there an organization that handles that stuff? Like the fucking post office!!!!! At least I got just a little more time back in my epic battle with the Telemarketer. So this brings us to the final Telemarketing transcript before I actually talk about what I really wanted to rant about today.

Gameboy Telemarketer:
TM: Hello. I am calling on behalf of your local bank to see if you would like to come to a seminar on buying a house.
Me: No.
TM: But this seminar is free, and you will receive a $50 gift certificate to your local business.
Me: No.
TM: It is only going to be 1/2 hour, sir.
Me: What is that music in the background? Are you playing a gameboy?
TM: No. Of course not. That is the radio.
Me: Bullshit that is the radio! That is the theme song from Super Mario Land on the Gameboy!
TM: No it isn't. I listen to video game music on the radio.
Me: Did you take a recording that included the jumping and coin sounds too?
TM: Yes.
Me: Do me a favor. Go out and get a job that you use your brain at. Don't sit here and deny that you are playing a Gameboy while doing a job that requires absolutely no brain power. Stop wasting my time and your life. And take me off of your list.
Click...

So whether or not he actually did go and do something better with his life is unknown to me. What I do know is that I had a very bad experience this morning.....I was on the phone with one of our customers. It was about something that I do almost every day when I am in the office. I found myself completely detached from the call and was reading Tycho's Penny Arcade post. I was actually able to answer the questions that they asked without thinking!!!! I am that guy! I am the Gameboy Telemarketer! For those of you who don't know me so well, let me explain the rest of the situation here. The part about the brainless activity is obvious.....but he lied about listening to video game music at work. I _do_ listen to video game music at work(ocremix.org and vgmix.com). The post I was reading about on Penny Arcade was about the new GameBoy? DS from Nintendo that I just pre-ordered the other day. Chances are I will sit in my under-sized cube and play with my DS while I am on the phone with these people! I AM THE GAMEBOY TELEMARKETER!

And just one more thing that I am pissed off about. I only tack this on because I only get these rants off about once a year......We went to Haskell's yesterday after lunch to get haf a lil' keg of Bit Burger. Bit Burger is a cheap and very tasty beer that is from Germany. It will also fuck you up pretty quickly. It even has "Bitten ein Bit" written on the side of the can. I have no idea what it means, but I like to repeat it at random intervals throughout the day or constant intervals when I am drinking it. So anyway, the second we came in range of the counter, some old crusty hag behind it barks out: "I am going to need to see each of your ID's.". I was stunned and said a very bitter and sarcastic. "Hello". Of course Martha didn't have his wallet. I think he leaves it at work so he doesn't leave it at the places we go out to eat. The guy just needs to take his wallet out of his pants. I mean, who puts their wallet on your living room table when they come to visit? Again, I digress. She checked 3 of our ID's, but Martha couldn't produce. She ended up selling us the beer, but only after her supervisor(who was about 83 years younger than her) said it was ok. It isn't the fact that we had our ID's checked that really pisses me off. As haf pointed out, the mini-keg is a very underage drinker thing to do. But for shit's sake, say Hel-Fucking-O to your customers. Perhaps when I cool off in 16 years I will compare myself to you, old hag. In the meantime, Biten ein Cock.