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Resident Evil 5

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 09:05:00 +0100

So, I downloaded the Resident Evil 5 demo on my XBox 360 today and tried it out. The latest installment furthers the very complicated and sordid RE story line. This version sports a much heralded co-op play for online and offline modes, new enemies and in single player, a tag-along hottie that gives you bullets and gets into trouble.

Resident Evil 5 looks pretty. And that's the last positive thing I can say about the demo.

Let me give this disclaimer before I rip apart this game. I think 1st person shooters on consoles are a mistake. The play control is always clumsy, it's painful to look at your surroundings and usually the game has to cheat by providing auto aim at bad guys for you. I realize there are some people that claim console shooters are as good or better than shooters on a PC, and if you're one of those people you're wrong... and probably republican.

So, the game starts, no intro, no background, no welcome; just blam, you're some soldier guy in Africa. Fine, its a demo. There's a woman with you, who very smartly scampers out of the way when you aim your gun at her. She's smart AND good looking, so you let her tag along as you stumble diagonally down a winding path. Moving the character feels like I'm operating a rusted steam shovel. The play control for Atari's Battlezone felt more natural.

"Press X," the on screen text tells me, "to jump down." I can hear the murmur and moaning of the zombie-esque creatures that I know this game showcases, so I'm a bit reluctant to leave my high ground safe area, but since they are giving me a tutorial of the controls, this should be a breeze. I jump into an alley way and enter a building; wham, cut scene.

The cut scene goes on forever and it would seem I'm supposed to know who these characters are, but I don't so I don't care. The the game then tells me how to shoot. Then nothing... I'm in some claustrophobic little shack, turning slowly as I look around and bumping in to everything like a drunken geriatric. My sidekick starts shooting out the window, but by the time I get there and angle my camera, there's nothing.

Then I hear a window break and suddenly there's a zombie-like guy holding a club standing in the middle of the room. I draw my pistol and fire four shots around the monster who is standing not 3 feet away from me. Where was the auto-aim? Positioning the cross-hair was like playing the claw machine at local Denny's. The creature approached with the speed of a frozen salamander, so given my skill at shooting, I decided to run. But I was glued to the floor. Was my character frozen with fear? My partner shot the creature and killed it, but what was wrong with me? I release the left trigger and was able to move again. Apparently, you can't move when shooting. My character must have missed that day in military training. This was actually a relief for me though as movement was actually a detriment in this game.

I positioned myself in a little stall an awaited what would come next since I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. Then they came, approaching with the speed of really lazy people at a community project. I fired the remaining bullets then resorted to my knife, which was better since I didn't have to aim with it. Soon the stall I was in filled up with creatures and I noticed among them was a giant, hooded guy with an axe. So, I scraped my knife against his arm for about 30 seconds while he and the other monsters stood there, milling about like it was the lamest zombie christmas party ever. Then my screen started to convulse epilepticly and little symbols flashed at me telling me to do something, anything apparently. That's when the cut scene of my partner falling to the ground played and the game ended.

And that's when I deleted the game. I know I didn't really give the game a chance, it doesn't deserve it. I know the play control of the other Resident Evils is likewise bad, I don't play them either. I know they based the play controls for RE5 off Gears of War, but they failed. I give this demo a score of .5 out of the number of zombies I probably manage to kill by flailing around my knife like a cocaine addled madman. I won't subject myself to the game when it comes out, and with that decision, I will sleep easier tonight.

The End

Washington Initiative 1000 of 2008

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 18:46:00 +0100

Washington Initiative 1000, the Washington Death with Dignity Act will be appearing on the Washington state ballot this November. It's boiled here nicely.

Its a law that makes it legal and provides a procedure for terminally-ill people to request euthanasia and for doctors to assist in that request.

The opponents of I-1000 want you to believe that people would be treated like livestock. At the first diagnosis of an incurable disease, they are taken behind the shed and shot. At the same time they want you to believe that people with 6 months to live are automatically unfit to decide how they want to die. They want you to believe that greedy insurance agents are waiting to stuff pills down people's throats so they don't have to pay for further care. These images are ridiculous. This bill is about legally allowing choice, ensuring people the freedom, to make one's own decision about one's own life.

Here are the least insulting arguments against I-1000:

* Endangers those struggling with the high cost of health care. Under I-1000 an ill and vulnerable person could be pressured to “choose” a fatal drug overdose rather than be given the health care and support they need. No one wants to be a financial burden; mixing I-1000 with our current unequal and expensive healthcare system would be deadly. In Oregon Medicaid pays for assisted suicide for poor residents under the category of “comfort care”. The drug costs less than $100 – far less than medications and treatments to make patients comfortable. Already some Oregon patients seeking chemotherapy drugs for cancer have been denied treatment but sent a letter suggesting they consider assisted suicide (“A Gift of Treatment,” The Register-Guard?, Eugene, Oregon June 3, 2008)

Yes, suicide is cheaper than being terminally ill. Cost for care of the remaining days may be a large part of someone's decision to end their own life. It may even be a very real fact of our shitty health care system causes this. But if you're not fixing healthcare and you're not putting up the money yourself for these people, fuck you. You don't get to point out the rock and the hard place someone is between and then kick them in the groin by blocking their last remaining options.

* Allows doctors to give lethal drugs to mentally ill or depressed patients. Many people feel sad, lonely, or afraid when they are seriously ill. Under I-1000 any such “cry for help” by a fearful or depressed person could easily be mistaken for a request for assisted suicide. Depressed or mentally ill persons can be given lethal doses with no psychological evaluation required (“A psychological disorder…does not necessarily disqualify a person.” Oregonian, 10/17/99). In Oregon in 2007, no one was referred for psychological evaluation.

Any competent adult can make their own decisions, period. Being depressed should not take away your right for you to determine what's best for you. As it is, I-1000 makes so that you need 2 doctors to agree and a 15 day waiting period. You can decide against it at any time. Or you could just jump in front of a bus, I guess.

* Does not require that spouses and family be told before a doctor gives a loved one a lethal overdose. Under I-1000, a spouse or family member need not be consulted before the patient is given lethal drugs (I-1000, Sec. 8). Afterward, the family might never be told the truth of how their loved one died. Finding out after the fact that a loved one intentionally died from a drug overdose would be devastating for grief-stricken family members.

Again. Competent adults can make their own decisions. If I were put in this situation, I probably would talk to my family and let them know that for their good and my own, I was going to end the suffering. But why should I be made to to tell them?

* Has no safeguards for the patient after the prescription is written. No one needs to witness the death, only the initial request. There are no provisions to ensure that the patient is competent when the overdose is taken, that the patient is not pressured into taking the drugs, or that the fatal dose was not given to the patient against his or her will.

We still have all the safeguards available to us that we have against it happening now. If someone's life is ended by another person its called murder.

* Allows other people to give the patient the lethal overdose. Initiative 1000 states that the patient “may” self-administer the lethal overdose, but does not make the requirement mandatory.

Again, it's murder if not self administered.

* Allows beneficiaries to witness death requests. Estate law wisely frowns on heirs witnessing wills, but I-1000 allows beneficiaries to sign as a witness to the request for lethal drugs. I-1000 is dangerous because the death does not need to be witnessed, and there is the real possibility that people will be coerced or forced into ending their lives. Common sense tells us that no one who benefits from a death should be involved in giving lethal drugs to the patient; I-1000 does not include this common-sense safeguard.

No more than people can be coerced out of having life saving operations performed on them. Really, this is a problem with a lot of things in life. I can be coerced into giving up my money, taking a shower or eating 8 $1 hotdogs at the race track. We already have laws against coercion.

* Requires a doctor to falsify death certificates. I-1000 requires doctors to lie on the death certificate, so the fatal overdose is not listed. Instead, doctors are directed to fill out the death certificate as if the patient died of natural causes. Relatives would never know the real cause of death, and vital statistics could not be used to track assisted suicide. I-1000, Section 4, (1)(ii)(B)(2)

Only a dubious life insurance agent would find this outrageous.

* Has secretive and inadequate reporting so any abuses will never be known. The assisted suicide initiative requires that information on assisted suicide be collected I-1000, Sec. 15. However, there are no penalties for incomplete or inaccurate reports. And there are no penalties for failing to report. The original reports are kept secret and sealed from any possible independent study. The Oregonian, the state’s major newspaper, complained in 2005 that the law’s reporting system “seems rigged to avoid finding” the answers. Living with the Dying ‘Experiment,’ Oregonian, 3/8/05

"Secretive" yeah, that's why a written request has to be filled out and filed. Just because I'm dead doesn't mean you get to dig around in my medical records looking for dirt.

* Protects even bad or incompetent doctors from lawsuits. The doctors who prescribe drug overdoses would be given protection from lawsuits or disciplinary action by medical authorities. Most doctors are capable and honest, but I-1000 would make it impossible to stop assisted suicide malpractice. If doctors make a “good faith” effort to obey the law, they cannot be sued.

Its still the patient's choice. And there have to be 2 likewise incompetent doctors that both agree on the terminal status of the patient.

It comes down to this; people should have the freedom to make this choice. I have yet to here a good argument of why not.

Grand Drunk Driving IV

Mon, 19 May 2008 21:44:00 +0100

Grand Theft Auto IV came out more than two weeks ago, which should explain why I'm just now reviewing it. Normally, my reviews are generally pretty harsh, but I really can't find much to complain about with GTA IV. The amount content of this game is monumental. The quality of graphics, more beautiful than I can appreciate. The character models are, well, I'd say mediocre. The depth and breadth of environment is, I feel, perfectly balanced. You can race through neighborhoods at break neck speeds, or stop and explore single block for half and hour. The story is as engrossing as an adventure novel. And its fun and interactive to play.

Now, some people have problems with the message of violence in the game, and how it seems to imply that shooting someone in the face is the solution to everything. Its a valid concern. GTA IV ( and GTA San Andreas) does a good job of limiting how much violence is glorified, but it does permeate nearly every element of the game. Violence is common place in much literature as a means of conflict. I won't argue that GTA IV is a contemporary Hamlet though I do feel most people that read Shakespeare or play this game understand its fictional.

While I can understand that concern, there is another I can't. This is a statement put out by MADD:

Each year nearly 13,500 people die in drunk driving crashes and another half a million are injured in alcohol-related traffic crashes. This is why MADD is extremely disappointed by the decision of the manufacturers of the game Grand Theft Auto IV to include a game module where players can drive drunk. Drunk driving is not a game and it is not a joke. Drunk driving is a choice, a violent crime and it is also 100 percent preventable. MADD is calling on the Entertainment Software Ratings Board to reclassify Grand Theft Auto IV as an Adults Only game, a step up from the current rating of Mature and for the manufacturer to consider a stop in distribution – if not out of responsibility to society then out of respect for the millions of victims/survivors of drunk driving.

There are a number of things I disagree with this statement and not just in relation with GTA. If you've played GTA and tried to drive drunk in the game, I think you'd agree its not really a pleasant experience. At no point in the game must you drive drunk, and many of the characters call you stupid for attempting it. I found myself saying out loud, "If this is what its like to drive drunk in real life, why would you ever do it?" If anything its a promotional tool to discourage the behavior.

Now about their other statements... I'm sorry, this is tangential, but drinking and driving is not 100% preventable so long as there is alcohol and vehicles. Drunk driving is also not a violent crime. Illegal, yes. Grossly irresponsible, yes. Dangerous and potentially violent, yes. But on its own isn't violent, just astoundingly stupid. Asking that this game be made adults only and put out of production is also deprived of thought. In high school driver's ed, they showed us a film about what can happen when you drive irresponsibly. This film showed people impaled on steering columns, decapitated by the "glass necklace", split in two, guts hanging out from some horrific collision. If that's appropriate to show 15 year olds, then this game is a marshmallow in comparison.

I give GTA IV a 9.9 out of 10 because its fun, pretty and lasts longer than most chewing gums. I give MADD's GTA IV statement 0.1 out of 10 for while being mostly uninformed, poorly thought out, alarmist, propagandist shit, it was also short and I was glad when I was done reading it.

A "Univeersity" of

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:51:00 +0100

I've been getting lots of spam recently from people bending over backwards trying to sell me a certificate of education. Well, "bending over backwards" maybe overstating their commitment, but they are backwards. Take this example for instance:

SUBJECT: Need a Univeersity Degree to obbtain the career you’ve always wanted?

Greetings martha!.
There are no demanded tests, classes, books, or interviews !


Be given a_Bachelors, Masters., MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diploma.

Earn the dreams and applause_that comes with a.diploma !

No one is ignored
Privacy sealed


We work with all counrys
Ring Now +1-325-204-0322 Live 7d 24 hour




the  Parthians,  the  luster  of its metal tarnished, was the Eagle of might  
have  watched  an  old  dog soil the floor. Put him down now or time  
they probably had left. But they were undoubtedly privileged, as

Now, I'll be the first person to admit having some problems with grammar and spelling when I don't proofread or use a spell checker. This blog is a great testament to the silliness my revising and reediting can create. But, if I wrote as bad as this spammer, I'd ask that you haul me out back and shoot me. Also, my grammar may be less than perfect, but I'm not trying to sell you anything, I'm not trying to impress you, nor do I even care what you think of my atrocious grammar. If I wanted people to give me money for some sham degree I was offering, I may want to make it look like I was A) Educated B) Not a sham and C) Likewise not completely inept/insane.

I realize that to get passed the email filters they need to make the message polymorphic, different for each delivery. However, I charge that it isn't difficult to make something dynamic, yet spelled correctly. And what's up with the that last paragraph? Again, part of the polymorphic content, but good gravy! I'd sooner get a degree from Charles Manson's School of Business than tempt fate with an organization that sees fit to put nonsensical babble at the end of their advert. Its like trying to sell someone raw manure as a deodorizer and closing the deal by screaming obscenities at a lamp.

For those of you wondering where that phone number goes; its a number in Abilene, Texas. Its listed as belonging to Nts Communications and for the zip code 79602. I did a search for colleges in that area and none of them really fit the mark, at least not to someone who only did about 30 minutes of "research". Calling the number has some British guy asking you for a call back number.

I wonder if all spammers work by having you call an anonymous number and they call you back to sell their warez, or maybe just put your number into a WAR dialer and bother you forever with penis enlargement phone solicitations. If they all do, then I should give them all each other's numbers in a massive phone tag criss-cross that would maybe cause them to forget about the huge wads of cash in the cardboard box next to them and think about finding another line of work... I know it'd never work, but I can dream can't I?

The End

Wooly v Woolly

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 07:17:00 +0100

I've been asked nearly a million times, what is a woolymuffin... That question doesn't interest me as much as, should it be a woolymuffin or a woollymuffin?

According to most dictionaries and even Google, wooly and woolly are the same word. Most people using the word, tend to spell it woolly, especially when walking about woolly mammoths, caterpillars, hats, sheep, monkeys, woodchucks, bears, spiders and butts (don't worry, its a tree, just don't ask me about the Woolly Butt Bungalow). It seems as if the people who use the word "wooly" are just too lazy to put that extra, pointless "l" in the middle of the word.

Well, no more. Lazy writers look no further than the made up word "woolymuffin"! It is only correct to spell it with one and only one "L" by decree of the Official Convoluted Woolymuffins Linguistics Department. Spelling it "woollymuffin" will get you an Official Convoluted Grammar Citation which has the entirely optional penalty of having to buy the OCW Linguisitcs Department a pizza. Now, if you're like me and you're thinking... gee, "woolymuffin" has a extraneous "F" in it, as long as we're redefining language anyway, shouldn't-- NO, fuck off, does "mufin" look like something you'd say? Outloud in public? Besides, I registered this domain for like a billion years, and I've already had to make some bizarre justification for spelling "woolly" wrong.... its fine the way it is. Just ask my City of Heroes character Face Pucher Jr. about irrevocable, albeit hilarious misspellings.

The End.

Random Conversations I Have With My S.O.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:44:00 +0100

SO says: What you want to do for fud?
Martha says: I'm pretty open... it is NudieMagazineDay
SO says: hehe You want me to stop somewhere?
Martha says: well, I wouldn't be opposed to it...
SO says: Fast Fud?
SO says: Dairy Queen?
Martha says: I wouldn't complain
SO says: K, so 30 hot dogs and a chocolate shake?
Martha says: that sounds pretty awesome actually
SO says: k, I'll get some good stuff.
Martha says: you ARE the best girlfriend in the world

Golden Compass Hype

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 23:38:00 +0100

I don't want to harp on religion too much, but I've been hearing a lot on the news, the blogs and from emails people have been sending about the movie the Golden Compass. From what I've heard, the books written by Philip Pullman, the first of which the movie is based, is supposedly an insidious plot by atheists to destroy religion, put the pope into the salt mines and brainwash your children to murder people.

First of all, anyone naive enough to think that making a fantasy story about talking polar bears and magical kingdoms as a tool atheists are using to get people to stop believing in made up things, may be at risk of getting their faith mixed up by watching this movie.

Second, you should be challenging your beliefs anyway. If the way you live your life has never been examined and you run and hide from criticisms (or in this case, attempt to silence the critics), then your faith lacks rigor and should not be a platform from which important decisions are made for yourself or especially for others.

The allegory in the Golden Compass isn't about corrupting your kids like all the warnings and movements for boycotts have mentioned. It's to get people to think about the actions of authoritative regimes in religion. An allegory is nothing but a silly story with out the reader's thought, and thought should threaten no one.

The End

Religion and the Well Meaning People That Promote It

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 12:02:00 +0100

I'm fine with people believing what ever it is they want to believe in. Gods, fairies, yeti, its all fine with me. Usually the yeti groups don't try to warn me every week of an impending attack of the abominable snowman. Those that believe in gods, however, take it upon themselves to make sure I'm well informed of the works of their god or attacks on their beliefs. I think I'd rather hear about supposed people mauled by albino sasquatch.

Last week I got this in an email. Its about a little boy that killed an injured calf and his god told him he understood his grief because the god had once lost a son.

Lessons I learned from this audio:

Believing someone you've never actually heard from or seen understands you is as good or better than finding a real, living, caring person to understand and comfort you.
Had the Romans not "put down" Jesus, Jehovah would have milked parables from him for many years.
If you have an injured animal, its best to have your 13-year old euthanize it.
An omniscient, omnipotent deity which created a universe knowing that his "son" - whom was himself - would be tortured and killed and now gets to enjoy his "son's" presence with him for all eternity can feel the same way that a little boy does when he is put through the traumatic experiencing of causing the death of a cared for animal first hand. (Maybe this is more how god feels about the trillions of souls he has sent to an everlasting agony for the "broken back" of not having heard of him?)

Questions that I still have:

Should we feel more sadness from the passing of a pet than a relative because a pet has no soul and its essence is gone forever whereas a human's lives on forever and we may one day be rejoined with them?
Are Christian radio DJs not concerned that there are children out there wielding lethal measures?
How many rating points does making a 13-year old's heart breaking experience a tool to promote your radio station get you?

Cooking With Martha

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 20:09:00 +0100

Hi! Today we'll be making Martha's Boiled Red Potatoes. Its a great one course meal for developers too busy to pay attention to what they eat.

First, you'll need some red potatoes. They're also called "new potatoes" since they're harvest early in the season. Reds have thin skin and especially tender meat. Since the skin is so thin, you can leave it on when you eat it for extra vitamins. I prefer to find small ones, between the size of a baseball or golf. If you have larger ones you can cut them in half so they cook all the way through.

Next, put the potatoes in a pan and add water until it covers all the potatoes by about an inch. Put the pan on the stove on high and bring the water to a strong boil.

Now forget all about it. Go read a book or call your mother. I like to get back to developing code. The more distracted you can get the better.

If you have a smoke alarm or bird warning system like I have, they will let you know when your meal is ready. Otherwise you can just wait until the stench of smoldering roots wafts into your area. By now your potatoes should be a charcoal black putting out gray smoke.

I made this earlier using the same techniques. I also added some garnishing to mine in a bid to rule the galaxy with the help of some dark side. Yes, I can feel the hatred with in you... good....

Well, until next disaster, I'm Martha and you're still not on fire.

The End.

Hellgate London

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 19:40:00 +0100

I'd love to tell you all about the fun experiences I've had with Hellgate London. It'd be great if I could say, that I've enjoyed playing with my friends and being absorbed into dark and sinister world depicted beautifully in EA/Bandai's latest release. As much as I'd like to tell you all the great things about this game, I can't. Because apparently unlike most games in existence, this one truly won't work with anything less than Windows XP.

I know what you're thinking, "Dude, it says right on the box it requires XP SP2." To which I reply, I know, so do most other games these days, but it hasn't before actually prevented the games from working. I have Windows 2000... I realize I'm about 2 full OSes behind on the latest buggy software, but the similarities between XP and 2000 are not so great... you have to try pretty hard to make something work on XP that doesn't on 2000. For instance, the function GetProcessHandleCount? appears in the XP kernel32.dll, but not in the 2000 version. 2000 and XP have like functions that can accomplish this in the PSAPI.dll, but apparently that API wasn't good enough to sell more copies of crap. Is it so much to ask that software not be woven into the fabric of an OS so tightly that its unusable on software versions written 16 months apart?

But none of this is really the fly in my ointment. I can accept that my computer doesn't meet the requirements of some overrated game. Fine, ok, I don't need them either. But their software didn't just come out and tell me it didn't like my OS. No, it allowed me to spend 45 minutes waiting for the damn thing to install and register on their asinine webpage before culminating to a crash immediately when I attempted to run it. After spending an hour digging around on the internet, it was at last revealed to me that all of the waiting and navigating was for naught.

One simple check at the beginning of the install is all it would have took. One dialog box that mentions "Hey, idiot, we really meant it when we said XP is a requirement of this game." I wouldn't have been offended. Disappointed, yes, but I wouldn't feel like my hopes were dashed at the end of the gruesomely long road; I could have salvaged the evening.

Here is my review of the parts of the game I was able to experience first hand:

Box: Not too shabby. Solid plastic construction. Simple, straight forward opening process. Cover art of Cthulu is a little cheesy though. If you were to judge a game by its cover, you could say there was potential in it.
Instruction Manual: Alright. It covers the basics, but its pretty brief. The character class descriptions really don't cover key features. I guess maybe the in-game stuff explains things more, but as far as I know every character is the exact same except for customizable hair color.
Install process: Honestly the worst install process I have ever experienced. 45 minutes of slowly paced progress bar fun. If that gets too boring for you, you can retype your registration key to get your online account started. Seriously, if you install this game, get it going and go for a nice long walk. Do NOT sit at your computer and listen to your friends have fun playing the game online leaving your imagination to run wild with possible character builds and epic adventures. You'd be better off running your fingers over a chalkboard for the better part of an hour. Also, the install sits at 100% for about 5 minutes, it was as if time had stopped and the universe was laughing its silent, evil laugh at me. I made myself dizzy spinning around in my office chair in frustration.
Splash screen: Nice... quick to load and to the point. No fuss.
Error Message on crash: Crap. Since they didn't check for minimum requirements, the game crashes with a system error, which doesn't help explain what has happened. Sure, to a developer, a missing entry point means you have the wrong version system dll, but to average Joe Gamer, you might as well have said that there was insufficient Grue to launch.

I give this game a 9 out of a googol. It lured me in with the promise of old-school Diablo 2 fun, and took me along for the ride, but broke my heart when it deemed my system to be a relic unworthy of its hack and slash love. I'll not be playing this game. My bitter resolve to have nothing more to do with this game is matched by my resolve not to have to install XP and go through the excruciating HGL install process again.

The End.