Grand Theft Auto IV came out more than two weeks ago, which should explain why I'm just now reviewing it. Normally, my reviews are generally pretty harsh, but I really can't find much to complain about with GTA IV. The amount content of this game is monumental. The quality of graphics, more beautiful than I can appreciate. The character models are, well, I'd say mediocre. The depth and breadth of environment is, I feel, perfectly balanced. You can race through neighborhoods at break neck speeds, or stop and explore single block for half and hour. The story is as engrossing as an adventure novel. And its fun and interactive to play.

Now, some people have problems with the message of violence in the game, and how it seems to imply that shooting someone in the face is the solution to everything. Its a valid concern. GTA IV ( and GTA San Andreas) does a good job of limiting how much violence is glorified, but it does permeate nearly every element of the game. Violence is common place in much literature as a means of conflict. I won't argue that GTA IV is a contemporary Hamlet though I do feel most people that read Shakespeare or play this game understand its fictional.

While I can understand that concern, there is another I can't. This is a statement put out by MADD:

Each year nearly 13,500 people die in drunk driving crashes and another half a million are injured in alcohol-related traffic crashes. This is why MADD is extremely disappointed by the decision of the manufacturers of the game Grand Theft Auto IV to include a game module where players can drive drunk. Drunk driving is not a game and it is not a joke. Drunk driving is a choice, a violent crime and it is also 100 percent preventable. MADD is calling on the Entertainment Software Ratings Board to reclassify Grand Theft Auto IV as an Adults Only game, a step up from the current rating of Mature and for the manufacturer to consider a stop in distribution – if not out of responsibility to society then out of respect for the millions of victims/survivors of drunk driving.

There are a number of things I disagree with this statement and not just in relation with GTA. If you've played GTA and tried to drive drunk in the game, I think you'd agree its not really a pleasant experience. At no point in the game must you drive drunk, and many of the characters call you stupid for attempting it. I found myself saying out loud, "If this is what its like to drive drunk in real life, why would you ever do it?" If anything its a promotional tool to discourage the behavior.

Now about their other statements... I'm sorry, this is tangential, but drinking and driving is not 100% preventable so long as there is alcohol and vehicles. Drunk driving is also not a violent crime. Illegal, yes. Grossly irresponsible, yes. Dangerous and potentially violent, yes. But on its own isn't violent, just astoundingly stupid. Asking that this game be made adults only and put out of production is also deprived of thought. In high school driver's ed, they showed us a film about what can happen when you drive irresponsibly. This film showed people impaled on steering columns, decapitated by the "glass necklace", split in two, guts hanging out from some horrific collision. If that's appropriate to show 15 year olds, then this game is a marshmallow in comparison.

I give GTA IV a 9.9 out of 10 because its fun, pretty and lasts longer than most chewing gums. I give MADD's GTA IV statement 0.1 out of 10 for while being mostly uninformed, poorly thought out, alarmist, propagandist shit, it was also short and I was glad when I was done reading it.

I've been getting lots of spam recently from people bending over backwards trying to sell me a certificate of education. Well, "bending over backwards" maybe overstating their commitment, but they are backwards. Take this example for instance:

SUBJECT: Need a Univeersity Degree to obbtain the career you’ve always wanted? Greetings martha!. There are no demanded tests, classes, books, or interviews ! Be given a_Bachelors, Masters., MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diploma. Earn the dreams and applause_that comes with a.diploma ! No one is ignored Privacy sealed We work with all counrys Ring Now +1-325-204-0322 Live 7d 24 hour the Parthians, the luster of its metal tarnished, was the Eagle of might have watched an old dog soil the floor. Put him down now or time they probably had left. But they were undoubtedly privileged, as

Now, I'll be the first person to admit having some problems with grammar and spelling when I don't proofread or use a spell checker. This blog is a great testament to the silliness my revising and reediting can create. But, if I wrote as bad as this spammer, I'd ask that you haul me out back and shoot me. Also, my grammar may be less than perfect, but I'm not trying to sell you anything, I'm not trying to impress you, nor do I even care what you think of my atrocious grammar. If I wanted people to give me money for some sham degree I was offering, I may want to make it look like I was A) Educated B) Not a sham and C) Likewise not completely inept/insane.

I realize that to get passed the email filters they need to make the message polymorphic, different for each delivery. However, I charge that it isn't difficult to make something dynamic, yet spelled correctly. And what's up with the that last paragraph? Again, part of the polymorphic content, but good gravy! I'd sooner get a degree from Charles Manson's School of Business than tempt fate with an organization that sees fit to put nonsensical babble at the end of their advert. Its like trying to sell someone raw manure as a deodorizer and closing the deal by screaming obscenities at a lamp.

For those of you wondering where that phone number goes; its a number in Abilene, Texas. Its listed as belonging to Nts Communications and for the zip code 79602. I did a search for colleges in that area and none of them really fit the mark, at least not to someone who only did about 30 minutes of "research". Calling the number has some British guy asking you for a call back number.

I wonder if all spammers work by having you call an anonymous number and they call you back to sell their warez, or maybe just put your number into a WAR dialer and bother you forever with penis enlargement phone solicitations. If they all do, then I should give them all each other's numbers in a massive phone tag criss-cross that would maybe cause them to forget about the huge wads of cash in the cardboard box next to them and think about finding another line of work... I know it'd never work, but I can dream can't I?

The End

I've been asked nearly a million times, what is a woolymuffin... That question doesn't interest me as much as, should it be a woolymuffin or a woollymuffin?

According to most dictionaries and even Google, wooly and woolly are the same word. Most people using the word, tend to spell it woolly, especially when walking about woolly mammoths, caterpillars, hats, sheep, monkeys, woodchucks, bears, spiders and butts (don't worry, its a tree, just don't ask me about the Woolly Butt Bungalow). It seems as if the people who use the word "wooly" are just too lazy to put that extra, pointless "l" in the middle of the word.

Well, no more. Lazy writers look no further than the made up word "woolymuffin"! It is only correct to spell it with one and only one "L" by decree of the Official Convoluted Woolymuffins Linguistics Department. Spelling it "woollymuffin" will get you an Official Convoluted Grammar Citation which has the entirely optional penalty of having to buy the OCW Linguisitcs Department a pizza. Now, if you're like me and you're thinking... gee, "woolymuffin" has a extraneous "F" in it, as long as we're redefining language anyway, shouldn't-- NO, fuck off, does "mufin" look like something you'd say? Outloud in public? Besides, I registered this domain for like a billion years, and I've already had to make some bizarre justification for spelling "woolly" wrong.... its fine the way it is. Just ask my City of Heroes character Face Pucher Jr. about irrevocable, albeit hilarious misspellings.

The End.

SO says: What you want to do for fud?
Martha says: I'm pretty open... it is NudieMagazineDay
SO says: hehe You want me to stop somewhere?
Martha says: well, I wouldn't be opposed to it...
SO says: Fast Fud?
SO says: Dairy Queen?
Martha says: I wouldn't complain
SO says: K, so 30 hot dogs and a chocolate shake?
Martha says: that sounds pretty awesome actually
SO says: k, I'll get some good stuff.
Martha says: you ARE the best girlfriend in the world

I don't want to harp on religion too much, but I've been hearing a lot on the news, the blogs and from emails people have been sending about the movie the Golden Compass. From what I've heard, the books written by Philip Pullman, the first of which the movie is based, is supposedly an insidious plot by atheists to destroy religion, put the pope into the salt mines and brainwash your children to murder people.

First of all, anyone naive enough to think that making a fantasy story about talking polar bears and magical kingdoms as a tool atheists are using to get people to stop believing in made up things, may be at risk of getting their faith mixed up by watching this movie.

Second, you should be challenging your beliefs anyway. If the way you live your life has never been examined and you run and hide from criticisms (or in this case, attempt to silence the critics), then your faith lacks rigor and should not be a platform from which important decisions are made for yourself or especially for others.

The allegory in the Golden Compass isn't about corrupting your kids like all the warnings and movements for boycotts have mentioned. It's to get people to think about the actions of authoritative regimes in religion. An allegory is nothing but a silly story with out the reader's thought, and thought should threaten no one.

The End

I'm fine with people believing what ever it is they want to believe in. Gods, fairies, yeti, its all fine with me. Usually the yeti groups don't try to warn me every week of an impending attack of the abominable snowman. Those that believe in gods, however, take it upon themselves to make sure I'm well informed of the works of their god or attacks on their beliefs. I think I'd rather hear about supposed people mauled by albino sasquatch.

Last week I got this in an email. Its about a little boy that killed an injured calf and his god told him he understood his grief because the god had once lost a son.

Lessons I learned from this audio:

• Believing someone you've never actually heard from or seen understands you is as good or better than finding a real, living, caring person to understand and comfort you.
  
• Had the Romans not "put down" Jesus, Jehovah would have milked parables from him for many years.
  
• If you have an injured animal, its best to have your 13-year old euthanize it.
  
• An omniscient, omnipotent deity which created a universe knowing that his "son" - whom was himself - would be tortured and killed and now gets to enjoy his "son's" presence with him for all eternity can feel the same way that a little boy does when he is put through the traumatic experiencing of causing the death of a cared for animal first hand. (Maybe this is more how god feels about the trillions of souls he has sent to an everlasting agony for the "broken back" of not having heard of him?)
  

Questions that I still have:

• Should we feel more sadness from the passing of a pet than a relative because a pet has no soul and its essence is gone forever whereas a human's lives on forever and we may one day be rejoined with them?
  
• Are Christian radio DJs not concerned that there are children out there wielding lethal measures?
  
• How many rating points does making a 13-year old's heart breaking experience a tool to promote your radio station get you?
  

Hi! Today we'll be making Martha's Boiled Red Potatoes. Its a great one course meal for developers too busy to pay attention to what they eat.

First, you'll need some red potatoes. They're also called "new potatoes" since they're harvest early in the season. Reds have thin skin and especially tender meat. Since the skin is so thin, you can leave it on when you eat it for extra vitamins. I prefer to find small ones, between the size of a baseball or golf. If you have larger ones you can cut them in half so they cook all the way through.

Next, put the potatoes in a pan and add water until it covers all the potatoes by about an inch. Put the pan on the stove on high and bring the water to a strong boil.

Now forget all about it. Go read a book or call your mother. I like to get back to developing code. The more distracted you can get the better.

If you have a smoke alarm or bird warning system like I have, they will let you know when your meal is ready. Otherwise you can just wait until the stench of smoldering roots wafts into your area. By now your potatoes should be a charcoal black putting out gray smoke.

I made this earlier using the same techniques. I also added some garnishing to mine in a bid to rule the galaxy with the help of some dark side. Yes, I can feel the hatred with in you... good....

Well, until next disaster, I'm Martha and you're still not on fire.

The End.

I'd love to tell you all about the fun experiences I've had with Hellgate London. It'd be great if I could say, that I've enjoyed playing with my friends and being absorbed into dark and sinister world depicted beautifully in EA/Bandai's latest release. As much as I'd like to tell you all the great things about this game, I can't. Because apparently unlike most games in existence, this one truly won't work with anything less than Windows XP.

I know what you're thinking, "Dude, it says right on the box it requires XP SP2." To which I reply, I know, so do most other games these days, but it hasn't before actually prevented the games from working. I have Windows 2000... I realize I'm about 2 full OSes behind on the latest buggy software, but the similarities between XP and 2000 are not so great... you have to try pretty hard to make something work on XP that doesn't on 2000. For instance, the function GetProcessHandleCount? appears in the XP kernel32.dll, but not in the 2000 version. 2000 and XP have like functions that can accomplish this in the PSAPI.dll, but apparently that API wasn't good enough to sell more copies of crap. Is it so much to ask that software not be woven into the fabric of an OS so tightly that its unusable on software versions written 16 months apart?

But none of this is really the fly in my ointment. I can accept that my computer doesn't meet the requirements of some overrated game. Fine, ok, I don't need them either. But their software didn't just come out and tell me it didn't like my OS. No, it allowed me to spend 45 minutes waiting for the damn thing to install and register on their asinine webpage before culminating to a crash immediately when I attempted to run it. After spending an hour digging around on the internet, it was at last revealed to me that all of the waiting and navigating was for naught.

One simple check at the beginning of the install is all it would have took. One dialog box that mentions "Hey, idiot, we really meant it when we said XP is a requirement of this game." I wouldn't have been offended. Disappointed, yes, but I wouldn't feel like my hopes were dashed at the end of the gruesomely long road; I could have salvaged the evening.

Here is my review of the parts of the game I was able to experience first hand:

• Box: Not too shabby. Solid plastic construction. Simple, straight forward opening process. Cover art of Cthulu is a little cheesy though. If you were to judge a game by its cover, you could say there was potential in it.
• Instruction Manual: Alright. It covers the basics, but its pretty brief. The character class descriptions really don't cover key features. I guess maybe the in-game stuff explains things more, but as far as I know every character is the exact same except for customizable hair color.
• Install process: Honestly the worst install process I have ever experienced. 45 minutes of slowly paced progress bar fun. If that gets too boring for you, you can retype your registration key to get your online account started. Seriously, if you install this game, get it going and go for a nice long walk. Do NOT sit at your computer and listen to your friends have fun playing the game online leaving your imagination to run wild with possible character builds and epic adventures. You'd be better off running your fingers over a chalkboard for the better part of an hour. Also, the install sits at 100% for about 5 minutes, it was as if time had stopped and the universe was laughing its silent, evil laugh at me. I made myself dizzy spinning around in my office chair in frustration.
• Splash screen: Nice... quick to load and to the point. No fuss.
• Error Message on crash: Crap. Since they didn't check for minimum requirements, the game crashes with a system error, which doesn't help explain what has happened. Sure, to a developer, a missing entry point means you have the wrong version system dll, but to average Joe Gamer, you might as well have said that there was insufficient Grue to launch.

I give this game a 9 out of a googol. It lured me in with the promise of old-school Diablo 2 fun, and took me along for the ride, but broke my heart when it deemed my system to be a relic unworthy of its hack and slash love. I'll not be playing this game. My bitter resolve to have nothing more to do with this game is matched by my resolve not to have to install XP and go through the excruciating HGL install process again.

The End.

Your Mug

My Mug

Ever wonder what happens if you ignore mild to extreme nausea and mild to insane pain for a few years?



The picture above is a sample of the 300-400 similar stones home grown in my gall bladder that was recently removed. This isn't a world record or anything, but its definitely more stones than it takes to cause problems. Apparently, I had and survived acute pancreatitis with out going to the hospital (not recommended). After finally deciding that being doubled over in pain and not being able to eat for days was abnormal enough to visit the doctor, they decided to suck the offending organ out my navel. I'm all better now and am back to performing back flips professionally.

The End.

Ah, Spam... I've touched on the graces of this electronic garbage before, but apparently, my denunciation of their actions has not spoiled the spammers' will to antagonize the masses. This morning I woke up and with crust still in my eyes beheld the terror of a 1000 emails, still flooding into my inbox. They were all of the Could not Deliver your Email variety.

I checked the headers of about a dozen of the emails and it was clear, spammers are using my URL as the From line in insipid spawn. Sent from various zombie computers around the internet, there is no way to kill the source. So, I thought, what if I could kill the company buying the solicitation. The content, however is an "announcement" for a company's stock that is about to explode in popularity. Likely the almost worthless company is as much a victim as I am.

Resigning to my fate, I've begun locking down my email addresses to Convoluted. Soon random email address for @conovlutedwoolymuffins.com will cause the mta to return messages for email addresses I have not expressly permitted. Even though the tsunami of emails is waning, this isn't the first time its happened to this site.

I have two revelations from this. The first is, spammers are breaking the internet. The SMTP protocol must be replaced, however wide spread the usage of it is. This won't stop spammers, but it will make it harder for them to hide behind zombie computers and spoofed addresses. My second epiphany is that, people who use stock tips from anonymous sources on the internet are naive to the point they dangerous to those around them. These are the minuscule percentage of the population whose belief in anything anyone tells them make it worth the spammers' time to harass us all. They should be shielded from telephones, email, snail mail and the public in general, less someone discover their gullibility and decide that a profit can be made off them.

The End.

Time has an article about the "5 [so called] Worst Websites". First off, I'd like to point out the trouble I had loading their website. Often it would just hang, forever trying to load, or if it did load, it would immediately try to reload and get stuck again. Also, the invasive adds on the side and in their banner often would eat my CPU forcing me to reload hoping the random ad they gave me didn't cause my browser to tear up my clock cycles. Despite these difficulties, I read their piss poor article. No, I don't know why.

Most of their ranting is about how its so uncool to visit sites that lots of other people go to, like Myspace or Meez. Yes, we get it, pop-culture/teen-culture == bad. They rip on poor eVite for not being modern enough. Then they semi complain about on eHarmony for being depressing, conning you out of money and discriminating against gays... ok, I'll give Time that point.

Then finally, they get to Second Life and complain about how the game is laggy and full of crazy people. If the game were played from the web page, they might have an argument. I could claim Time has a crappy website because their printed magazine is full of those annoying fall out subscription cards and it would make as much sense. The fact that Time's website is crappy on its own right is another matter... And that publications in both printed and online version seem to be trivial horse shit you read because the dentist is running a couple of hours late and you already finished the word-find in Highlights, rather than for its journalistic integrity is entirely another matter. ahem

My real gripe however, is that I didn't make the list. I mean, I hardly ever post. About half of my site is broken at any given moment. When I do post, its usually self serving and void of real (although misspelled) content. I don't have any advertisers, but I've made the layout as messy as I can get it. I almost go out of my way to make my site the worst on the web. But, apparently, my website is better than all those other functional, popular websites that generate revenue and provide services that people enjoy. I rule.

IF you're really bored head over to Pictaps and draw yourself a strange dancing creature like I did (here).

Or, conversely, draw a penis like most of the people on the site have.

via Penny-Arcade

Please be advised, this site is rated:


This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
* bomb (5x)
* gay (4x)
* sex (2x)
* dildo (1x)

I find this a little over the top. "gay" and "bomb" make a site NC-17? Its not like I offer to build bombs or provide gay porn or anything. I don't know what I was expecting from a cheap online rating system. Though it is eerily similar to the MPAA's style of movie ratings. Sure a film may depict children warriors getting killed and ethnic cleansing battles in Africa, but there's no nudity or profanity, so it would get a PG-13. But heaven for bid you use the F-word (read Fuck), you'll get the R-rating (read Ridiculous).

You are Wash (Ship Pilot)

Wash (Ship Pilot) 70% Malcolm Reynolds (Captain) 65% Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic) 60% Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic) 60% Derrial Book (Shepherd) 45% Jayne Cobb (Mercenary) 40% Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command) 35% Alliance 35% Inara Serra (Companion) 20% River (Stowaway) 20% A Reaver (Cannibal) 15%

You are a pilot with a good if not silly sense of humor. You take pride in your collection of toys. You love your significant other.

Click here to take the "Which Serenity character are you?" quiz...

I'm sure you've heard of the Flat Earth people. The people who claim that the earth is actually flat and those that say otherwise (including almost everyone since the year 0), are part of a conspiracy hiding the truth. Well, the people over at fixedearth.com want to make it very clear that they are not flat earthers. They do also want to make it clear that the earth is actually at the center of the universe, the sky rotates around the earth and evolution is a jewish plot to destroy the world. Congratulations, you have graduated to Bronze Age logic.

If you visit the site, you'll find that aside from the barely coherent ranting and elementary page construction, a treasure trove of the most embarrassing drivel a person could contrive. Not even the flat earthers sound this insane when they write out their thoughts. It feels like you're reading the mad scribblings in tattered notebooks belonging to a permanent resident in an insane asylum.

So, when I read this article about two state legislatures in Texas and Georgia pushing information from this site, I was a bit taken aback.

"Indisputable evidence – long hidden but now available to everyone – demonstrates conclusively that so-called 'secular evolution science' is the Big Bang, 15-billion-year, alternate 'creation scenario' of the Pharisee Religion," writes Mr. Bridges, a Republican from Cleveland, Ga. He has argued against teaching of evolution in Georgia schools for several years.

He then refers to a Web site, www.fixedearth.com, that contains a model bill for state Legislatures to pass to attack instruction on evolution as an unconstitutional establishment of religion.

So, because the earth is the center of the universe, evolution is obviously wrong. Right. The representative in Texas tries to distance himself from the Georgia.

"That is a courtesy to a member of the Georgia legislature, is all that is," said Mr. Chisum, a social conservative who opposes abortion rights and wants the state to prefer heterosexuals over gays and lesbians in recruiting foster parents.

Seems like a bonehead move to me. Associating myself if insane people seems like the best way to bring my own sanity to question.

"You ought to teach creation as well as the fact of evolution," Mr. Chisum said, though he said "all of those kinds of sciences have holes in them. ... But I'm not about teaching religion in schools."

I'm not sure what creationism is, but religion. Perhaps he thinks shop class should teach ark building as well. Maybe they should teach a desert survival class where you collect bread in the dew each morning, but only if they pray for it.... and only if its not religious.

Texas, Georgia.... can you please elect someone less insane into office... a flat earther would be a step up at this rate.

I'm not sure what made me create a Technorati Profile for this site. Maybe it was that I discovered someone had linked to my ghost picture of Dick Cheney that made me realize that perhaps other bloggers would like to see references to their sites on this obscure, strange web page. Maybe its just that I get a kick out of calling myself a blogger and yet almost never posting. Maybe I just needed one more login on a site I'll likely forget the password to and have to jump through flaming, bladed hoops to get logged into again.

What ever the reason, I blame Alain Robert for getting the old school Spider-Man? cartoon theme song stuck in my head again. Blast you Alain!

Last Wednesday there was a disturbance in Boston where police and bomb squads ran around removing light-up advertisements because they got reports about them and suspected they were bombs. The extent of the chaos is estimated at over a million dollars to the city. They also caught the two guys, Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens that put up the signs for an advertisement agency representing Time-Warner's late night broadcast Adult Swim.

This isn't just a case where police were responding to a very suspicious device in a subway or on a bridge support beam and then decided that it was not a bomb. This isn't even a case where the police overreacted to several poorly placed reports of strange objects by shutting down large parts of the city to remove dozens of these signs even after they knew they weren't dangerous. This is about shear, unappologetic stupidity.

According to this article the two men are charged with placing hoax devices to cause panic (a felony that carries a sentence up to 5 years) and disorderly conduct. So, rather than embarrassingly admitting they overreacted, the city has decided to pin the blame on the two guys that posted the signs. It is, after all, these two men's fault for nutjobs' fear. Here's the other punchline:

More than three dozen electronic signs were placed in high-profile spots in Boston weeks before authorities responded Wednesday. Authorities shut down highways, bridges and river traffic while bomb squads checked out devices that turned out to be harmless. There was barely a stir in nine other cities across the country where similar devices were placed.

After posting bail the two scape goats decided to meet with the press, for their own reasons.

In light how incredibly moronic this should seem to people, we might as well give up and stop fighting terrorists. Their job is done. So many people remain in a terrorized state with hair triggers on their 911 speed dials, that I find it hard to justifiably charge someone with trying to cause panic. It feels like we live in a society filled with overly frightened people.

There's not a lot I can do to help people be less needlessly afraid of everything, but I can help educate. Please take my Bomb Identification Quiz and maybe we can avoid an incident like the one that happened in Boston again.

The rant, what can I say. Its a fixture on any time wasting webpage. Often, it takes the place of real, meaningful content, while at the same time acting as a divisive construct between author and reader.

That being said, rants are something that The Official Convoluted Woolymuffins staff and ownership whole-heartedly endorse and compose. It is a form that always has been and always will be part of The Official Convoluted Woolymuffins experience.

So, to those who still hold a light for the dead Rants topic, keep in mind that we are not trying to eliminate long, tiresome complaints about some petty "injustice" imposed upon the author. We are simply trying to categorize and focus that righteous indignation into more appropriate and easily identifiable topics.

For instances, complaints about how much Tom Jones sucks would go into the Music topic. Rants about the exorbitantly high prices for hotdogs in Las Vegas would go under Places (or food depending on the focus of the article).

All in all, this will keep all articles posted from going into the same old topic and will help grant the site's appearance to having content rather than pointless drivel like it actually does.

The threat of removing the only worthwhile topic here (besides FMW of course) has prompted me to voice my justice.